Wide Open Spaces

Every time I hear this Dixie Chicks song I get goosebumps. You know that overwhelming feeling you get when you realize a song has been written JUST for you and you want to tell the whole world but the whole world just wouldn't get it?? Well that's how I feel when this tune comes on, and I don't care how little respect the Dixie Chicks have in the music industry :) Graduation is just around the corner, and although I have mixed emotions about leaving my comfort zone, I am so ready and in need of a change-- change of surroundings, change of faces, change of responsibilities, change of heart--- you name it, i need it.

When life got flipped upside down last October, plans changed for all of us, or went on hold at least. A few weeks prior I had accepted an offer to work at Target Corp. the following year, but my start date was still up in the air. One of the main emotions I remember surrounding the loss of Kaitlin was apathy- toward school, relationships, my future career, etc. All those things paled in comparison to losing my best friend. Life just felt stupid. That's such an elementary description, but that's how I felt. Life wasn't fair. It was painful, hard, and unforgiving. With everything I was feeling at that time, I still can't imagine the hurt and confusion that her family and Josh experienced and continue to work through. It was a time that should have brought all of us closer together so that we could rely on eachother and on God for strength. I remember hearing the phrase 'shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared is doubled'.

Rather than drawing closer, though, I felt myself pulling away. I don't know how many times I told people that they just didn't understand. I really didn't even give people a chance to understand. I was edgy during that time- overly sensitive and way too irritable. I understand that grief can bring out all sorts of responses in people, but I wish that my reaction would have been different. I've wrestled with those emotions for over six months now, and am giving it up to God to give me peace.

One thing that did give me comfort during that time was daydreaming about solutions to the pain. I remember saying over and over that I just wanted everything back to normal. Normal as I knew it wasn't possible, so I needed to find a new normal. I felt God telling me to scratch the old plan, go back to the drawing board, and stop getting stuck on what used to be. The solution I kept coming back to over and over was that I just wanted to leave. I wanted to flee the scene and start over somewhere I else, totally disconnected from the life I had here. I imagined packing up and going to Colorado.. not sure what in the world I would do there, but doesn't Colorado seem like the perfect story book location to go if you need to clear your head for a while? Basically, I just wanted to go somewhere where nobody knew what happened, and nobody would ask questions. 

After venting this feeling to someone last Fall I remember them asking me, "Caitie, you complain about feeling alone because nobody understands you here. What makes you think people that don't even know you will understand?" That comment brought me back to reality. It made me step back and realize how badly I really do need my support system. It reminded me that even though my family and friends may not feel exactly what I'm feeling at every given moment, they are at least trying to understand. In the same token, I can't begin to understand how other people were feeling during that time. Kaitlin had such unique connections to so many people that her passing affected them in ways I can't even fathom, so attempting to compare or compete with another's grief is a lost cause. 

Needless to say, I ended up deciding it would be best to stick it out at Bethel and soak up all that senior year had to offer. I knew that I had the option of putting off starting my job at Target until September, which would buy me a few more months of blissful adolescence- I just had to figure out what I would do with all that time. While I was living with the Mobergs last semester, Molly and I would stay up late almost every night talking through life and what we wanted to do with it. If you know Molls, you know she is a dreamer. She has a big imagination and loves thinking up ideas, most of which never become a reality, but I give her credit for the creativity. This usually comes in the form of new pinterest recipes or techniques for making thrift shop clothes look even more thrifty looking (stay tuned for a post on our feeble attempts at homemade daisy dukes!) 

Even though we're a year apart and polar opposites in terms of hair color and political views most of the time, Molly and I just click. We share a passionate love for puppy chow, adventure, flannel shirts, and our big brothers-- the recipe for any good friendship. I can be happy, sad, confused, mad, and a total nerd with Molly and she loves me regardless. I'm so thankful for her and have loved seeing our relationship grow so much these past two years. My biggest complaint I have about her is that I wish she were about six inches taller so we could share more clothes!  So anyways, one hot topic of conversation in our pillow talks was summer 2013. Last summer was a whirlwind of internships, jobs, volleyball workouts, babysitting, and happy hours- we never got a chance to take a breath. We both wanted this year to be different.

On one of these whirlwind occasions in June, we had the chance to chat with our friend Maddie, and the subject of Montana came up. She spent her senior year summer there with Molly's brother Jordan, and our friends Randi and Steven. We were hanging on her every word as she told us stories about life on the ranch- the good, the bad, and the ugly. She had encouraged us then to try to go, but neither of us felt like we would ever have the right schedules to make it happen. When we got to talking this fall again about it though, I realized that the timing would never be this perfect again. Every part of Montana made sense, and I saw it as a glaringly obvious opportunity from God. He knew what I needed. It's true that I could use a little escape from this familiar environment, but I would never want to ditch out on the people and places I love so much. This way, I would get to take a three month, paid vacation with one of my closest friends by my side :)

If we were serious about it though, we needed to act fast. Steven is the ultimate smooth talker, so we couldn't think of anyone better to put in a good word for us at Mountain Sky. We were told that every year 500 people apply, but only 25 are hired... disheartening statistics. The manager, Yancey, believed whatever Steve told him though, and decided to take a chance on two inexperienced private college suburban girls. We sent in our application video with the help (and incredible editing) of my brother, Jon, and the rest is history. You can see in our application video that all that we really bring to the table are positive, 'can do' attitudes and cowgirl wannabe wardrobes. Glad they're cool with that!

Mountain Sky Application: Caitie & Molly

I know God gave me Molly for a reason, and I hope He's giving me Montana for a special reason too!

"Many precede and many will follow 
A young girl's dream no longer hollow 
It takes the shape of a place out west 
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed"